Uh-Oh

Going through my mind right now, all of a sudden: What if I don’t really have OCD? What if I started this blog and wrote a lot of things about a disorder I don’t even have? Could I be harmfully misleading people? Am I making myself worse? What if I have another disorder? What if I don’t have any disorders?

Obviously this is an obsessive-compulsive moment for me, but it’s kind of hard to acknowledge that when the very doubt that’s plaguing me is WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE OCD.

OMG.

On a lighter note, here’s a clip of a WordGirl episode featuring the villain “Ms. Question” who reminds me a lot of a villain called “Ms. OCD.” Ms. Question speaks only in questions, and her power is to confuse and trick her enemies with the power of doubt. Seriously.

No, no, no. That money doesn’t go there! If you’re inquiring about a job here, you can’t be messing up important things like where the money goes!
Why do you think I want to work here?
Well, you can’t! Not anymore.
Can’t you see I’m stealing all your money?
A-ha! Taking from the till, are you? You’re fired!
How can you fire me from robbing you?
Good point. After examining the facts, I can tell you’re a creative thinker. Congratulations, you’re back on the team!

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5 thoughts on “Uh-Oh

  1. Matt Marinello says:

    In some ways my OCD seems worse than yours but your checking and questions are worse than mine. I get questions in my head when I try to talk on the phone. I get worried I’ll uncontrollably say something extremely inappropriate even though it has never happened. The possiblity that I’ll lose control over my vocal chords bothers me a lot.

    • willitbeok says:

      I think within the OCD spectrum, there are people whose obsessions are worse and then there are people who have more of a problem with the compulsions. I think I learned when I was young to curb the compulsions, so the obsessions predominate and I’m good at holding off the compulsion while still feeling the anxiety. This isn’t necessarily always a good thing, though. I know just what you mean about the talking on the phone thing! When I’m in social situations, sometimes I get this feeling like I might randomly insult someone for no reason, even though I don’t want to. And then I have to waste a lot of mental energy thinking about that instead of socializing — and socializing is hard enough for me even when that’s not happening!! 😛

      • Matt Marinello says:

        Yeah. Mostly I’m Pure O even though it really doesn’t exist. If I didn’t have compulsions of some sort even though they are not obvious I’d be normal. I read that 80% of people have obsessions from time to time. I always thought of OCD type behaviors as natural reactions to fears and disgust. It’s a very natural reaction to mentally resist bad thoughts to me. I know I’m probably wrong for saying this but normal people must not be squeamish or as moral. They must not be if 80% have obsessions but they don’t get bothered by em’. How can an obsession not be bothersome? The only obsession I had which didn’t bother me I had recently when I was walking on a concrete bridge. I was thinking what if the bridge falls down and I end up in the free way and get hit by cars. I consciously walked at the same speed and didn’t speed up the pace and didn’t get too bothered by it. I know you are interested in the brain. If you ever looked at OCD brains the prefrontal lobe is extremely overactive. They say that is because of extreme obsessing about danger and bad things. I obsess about sensory stimuli and sounds make me jump everytime. I can’t control my attention it’s not ADD it’s the opposite. I HAVE to pay attention to “danger”. I think it’s a problem I have with my caudate nucleus the part of the brain that starts/stops actions/thoughts/other stuff. People that have more compulsions have a haywire caudate nucleus and I think deep brain stimulation affects the caudate nucleus. What I read was OCD isn’t so much a problem with a part of the brain as a problem of neuro-circuitry, and I read we use different parts of the brain to do the same mental tasks as normal people. Yeah… I think the fact I have bad thoughts to the point of having a corrupt poisoned mind makes me worried I’m going to have a bad freudian slip one day and reveal my obsessions. It hasn’t happened yet, but when it happens I’m absolutely screwed. The cops will probably be keeping their eye on me after that.

  2. willitbeok says:

    Yeah, it’s weird — apparently, it’s actually NORMAL for everyone to have weird thoughts, and inappropriate thoughts, but the average person will dismiss them, whereas people with OCD tend to dwell. I think things like that too sometimes about the bridge. Actually one thing that particularly bothers me is walking past cars in a parking lot, if they have their lights on or seem like they might start backing up… I imagine getting hit by the car, and then also falling on the pavement and my skin getting dragged across the pavement really violently. It’s a horrible image. I guess this must have some sort of evolutionary purpose, avoiding danger, but it’s just overloading sometimes in people with OCD. And yes I am interested in the brain, and that makes sense about neuro-circuitry. 🙂

  3. Really enjoying your blog – I can relate to much of what you write. I nearly stopped blogging due to OCD thoughts that I would inadvertently write something offensive. I managed to stick with it and have drawn comfort from the positive feedback. Please keep writing…

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