Lazy Brain

Sometimes I think because I’ve developed the habit of repeatedly checking over the years, my memory has started to depend on it and not work as well. Maybe it’s just an illusion, but does anyone else feel this way? It’s like my memory has become lazy because it knows I will keep checking over and over anyway. I find I have to concentrate and check things really mindfully, otherwise I know I’ll want to keep checking it. Not only that, but a part of me actually becomes unsure whether I really checked before. Like, I have to kind of say to myself in a loud (mental) voice: “I AM CHECKING THIS RIGHT NOW SO THAT I WON’T NEED TO CHECK IT AGAIN IN FIVE MINUTES. WHEN I WANT TO CHECK THIS AGAIN IN FIVE MINUTES, I WILL REMEMBER THAT I CHECKED IT JUST NOW.”

The other day I opened a closet door, looking for something, didn’t find what I was looking for and closed it; and I kept opening it again and again, to check. Every time I closed the door I got a feeling: “Wait. Maybe I wasn’t thorough enough. I need to make sure.” And it was clearly an OCD feeling, but yet I also feel that when I check things I can get into a habit of doing them carelessly, because I’m so used to repeating it over and over.

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