I love to be doing better, but going too long without writing is not a good thing, and I tend to only realize a problem is OCD after it’s too late. This means my mindfulness could use improvement. The more something bothers me, the more it gives me that “Something bad is about to happen if I don’t resolve this” feeling, and the more I feel compelled to think about it. It sounds simple to be aware of this basic cycle, but OCD is good at tricking us.
Here’s another problem: Should I still be open about my OCD? Will new people I meet judge me if they learn it too soon? I don’t force bringing it up, but I don’t hide it either. I figure this is the best approach. It’s an embarrassing but true part of who I am, and I feel that trying to hide it would be bad in the long run. I have to be honest with others and myself about who I am.
It’s been a while since I’ve regularly updated this blog. I need to take a good look at it and make sure I don’t write too much about things I’ve already covered. But then, isn’t that what OCD is all about?
Sometimes I think because I’ve developed the habit of repeatedly checking over the years, my memory has started to depend on it and not work as well. Maybe it’s just an illusion, but does anyone else feel this way? It’s like my memory has become lazy because it knows I will keep checking over and over anyway. I find I have to concentrate and check things really mindfully, otherwise I know I’ll want to keep checking it. Not only that, but a part of me actually becomes unsure whether I really checked before. Like, I have to kind of say to myself in a loud (mental) voice: “I AM CHECKING THIS RIGHT NOW SO THAT I WON’T NEED TO CHECK IT AGAIN IN FIVE MINUTES. WHEN I WANT TO CHECK THIS AGAIN IN FIVE MINUTES, I WILL REMEMBER THAT I CHECKED IT JUST NOW.”
The other day I opened a closet door, looking for something, didn’t find what I was looking for and closed it; and I kept opening it again and again, to check. Every time I closed the door I got a feeling: “Wait. Maybe I wasn’t thorough enough. I need to make sure.” And it was clearly an OCD feeling, but yet I also feel that when I check things I can get into a habit of doing them carelessly, because I’m so used to repeating it over and over.